Mikaela

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm so mad and embarrassed that I'm going to explode
I HATE the fact that I lack confidence in wearing glasses in front of people, especially those whom I'd like to give a good impression on
I really wanted to kill that fear today
so I wore casual clothes (sports) and glasses to go down stairs to get lunch
my timing was bad
the Pop dance club just finished their performance and all came in to the same fast food store to get lunch
I tried to avoid meeting people I knew
though I wished I could just smile and say hello like usual
so I ordered and went to read magazines at another store
about 15 mins later I went back
my order was not done
the crowd of people were still there
I tried to stand and wait in front of the counter
playing around with my mobile phone trying to look busy
but I am too self conscious
so I went back to the other store and waited for another 10 minutes
when I got back to the fast food
the waiter said that my order was done but they couldn't find me and my number plate (I usually leave it on the counter and come back for it. It was never a problem)
so they gave my order to another customer
so now I have to wait another few minutes
I stood there, I didn't know who to blame
I think the final charge would be mine
I attempted to prove that I don't care
but I failed
resulting in an even worse situation
I care too much about what other's think
Maybe they didn't even notice me
coz no one said hello
or was I too self-conscious that no one dared to say hello?
I HATE BEING OVER SELF-CONSCIOUS
THAT WAY I CAN'T BE MYSELF

我懂你說的
只是有點無法接受
太多的我執
太多放不下的堅持
最近讓最常在我身邊的你被低氣壓影響很抱歉
很想回到快樂的練舞聊夢想運動的日子
再給我一些時間吧

Ego: ok so you say, I over reacted
but people should respect each other shouldn't they?
Superego: you are working with human beings, not saints, you should forgive people's occasional mistakes
Ego: why can't they just show respect like I do with them?
Superego: you know they're just trying to be casual, don't make things too serious
Ego: I know, but there are limits to that, I'm not against having a good time in a discussion,
but at least you need to be serious when certain things need to be done.
Superego: come on, they didn't mean it
Ego: still, no body cared, how can they be so cruel?
Superego: maybe they didn't know how to react
Ego: so I'm the one who's fucked up, who's in a bad mood when everyone else is enjoying the discussion, this is so unfair
Superego: there is no absolute fairness, and you should've protested in a more sophisticated way, like, be humorous and joke about it to get attention
Ego: I would if I could, I felt so humiliated that I couldn't control my impulse
Superego: try, try, try
you know you'll gonna face similar situations in the future, perhaps with more difficult people,
you gotta learn to get around these things
you've got to control yourself

昨天跳蚤市場完心情還是很high
雖然很累還是弄到一點多才睡
睡覺前很手養的打開下午才拿到的畢業紀念冊
看著就想到很多事
有點離別在即的惆悵
因此在床上翻了很久睡不著
最後一次看時鐘是2:10am
我覺得畢業好像一個過程
一點一點的注入你的大學生活的最後階段
先畢業旅行 雖然我沒去
再來是畢業公演
那都還沒有要畢業的感覺
然後拍團體學士照
個人學士照
過了一個寒假
四月發畢業袍
五月中下旬發畢業紀念冊
五月底畢業舞會nothing compared to a prom or a college ball
六月初謝師宴
六月中畢業典禮
然後你就被全體師生歡送走了
whether you like it or not
怎麼想都不會很期待
於是失眠了
剩下三個多星期的大學生涯
有好多好多事要做
報告,期末考,聚餐,出遊
很多也許是這輩子的最後一次機會
或者是畢業後這一兩年內不會再接觸的事物
我希望我可以不要這麼多愁善感

跳蚤市場總收入 $17xx (我$8xx)
支出 $19 (海報紙+標籤貼紙)
----------------------------------
$8xx
5:30pm~10:00pm= 4.5 hr
時薪1xx
錢真不好賺

我跟姿樺的室友買了一件上衣, 她們一群叫我試穿, 他本來要送我的, 但是我覺得不好意思,
所以用$50跟她買
姿樺還送我一雙隱形襪,還有一條可愛的圍巾也是送的
吃免費的蛋糕和飲料
感謝貞伶的室友借我麥克筆
謝謝培幫忙寫海報因為我字太醜:P
還有珍妮花來幫忙賣
謝謝Doris, 小雞幫我們收攤
謝謝大馬幫忙安排我們擺攤
想不到畢業前還能體驗擺地攤的甘苦
珍妮花說 "你今天的穿著加上刺青真的好像擺地攤的喔!"
她沒有惡意不過還是被我瞪哈哈
因為穿白長褲配黑上衣真的就一副很幹練的老闆娘的樣子
今天穿的上衣比較短
不小心就會露出刺青
很多人來問我是畫的還是真的

雙敏,萩雅,佩瑩學姊都來擺攤
像是外文系同學會
我跟培培一起擺一個攤
她收錢我登記
雖然人蠻少的應該算很閒
但是突然有兩三個人要結帳的時候
培又剛好不在
我真的有點手忙腳亂
還真是不純熟哈哈
大該八點左右人很少很少
我只好打電話給宿舍阿姨請他幫忙廣播宣傳
結果他說請我自己去廣播
所以我硬著頭皮到宿舍辦公室
拿著廣播器在心裡反覆練習要講的話
"各位女二同學大家好
今天晚上女二逐風廣場有學聯會舉辦的跳蚤市場
剩下最後一個小時
如果大家有空的話可以下來shopping 喔! 謝謝"
因為不知道有沒有被聽到
還廣播了兩次
後來我室友和珍妮花說她們有聽到
過不到五分鐘之後
人潮明顯變多了
真的奏效了!
一點小犧牲是值得的呵呵

Mr. Big, typical, like many dickheads that breaks a girl's heart.
He is lovable, charming, no doubt.
But when it comes to relationship, love, he is a coward.
Lack of faith, responsibility and sincerity.
I would only say that I'm losing faith and needed an assurance from you because I love you, more than you love me.
I gently pushed you away hoping that you would lean forward and embrace me tightly in your arms.
But you did nothing.
You said nothing.
You walked away, like Mr. Big.

上星期六5/20上午去參加姊姊籌辦的花木蘭愛心義賣園遊會
三十幾度的艷陽天
雖然很熱
但是老師家長小朋友都玩得很愉快
我也蠻高興的
我算是個觀眾
也在默默觀察會場
捐了五十元給活動攤位
換了可樂跟蛋糕
因為要穿木蘭衫
所以還是做了一點造型免得太休閒
姊姊傳給我這張
是會場的攝影師偷拍的
真是謝謝他呵呵
很有感覺又自然的我

I'm a total bitch today
I yelled at the boarding house mistress who was also a bitch, the one who yelled at the old lady and insulted me the other day.
I gave her the look coz I'm in such a crappy mood today
and coz she questioned me about the keys I returned to her.
I was gonna show her that "You're messing with the wrong bitch, Bitch"
So she was extra nice to me.
I wonder how the world has turned into this sick, pretentious environment that is more generous to bad people,
promoting good people to learn the aggressive ways.

I want a f*cking car!
I can't even get my ass out of my dorm tonight to go out and see a movie alone!
what the hell is wrong with this place!
If I have to be alone at least give me a way to move!!!!!!!!!!!

April 11 is the 101st day of the year in the Gregorian calendar (102nd in leap years).
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I only just found that out, 101 is kinda special to me.
Also surprising that many of the people born on this day in the past are either singers, actor/actress,
writers, film makers or athletes; most of whom are artistic or athletic
Does that suggest something about me and what I can do?
The first person on this list "a Roman Emperor", amazing! but too out of reach
The last person on this list, "a 15-year-old director", a genius!
James Parkinsons is about the only person I know apart from Joss Stones, who really isn't popular.Being born on the same date as him is kinda cool, but I hope I'll have nothing to do with the disease named after him.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Births
146 - Septimius Severus, Roman Emperor (d. 211)
1357 - King John I of Portugal "the One With Good Memory" (d. 1433)
1374 - Roger Mortimer, 4th Earl of March, heir to the throne of England (d. 1398)
1492 - Marguerite of Navarre, wife of Henry II of Navarre (d. 1549)
1592 - John Eliot, English statesman (d. 1632)
1705 - William Cookworthy, English chemist (d. 1780)
1721 - David Zeisberger, Moravian missionary (d. 1808)
1722 - Christopher Smart, English poet (d. 1771)
1755 - James Parkinson, English physician (d. 1824)
1769 - Jean Lannes, French marshal (d. 1809)
1798 - Macedonio Melloni, Italian physicist (d. 1854)
1810 - Sir Henry Creswicke Rawlinson, English soldier and orientalist (d. 1895)
1819 - Charles Hallé, German pianist and conductor (d. 1895)
1825 - Ferdinand Lassalle, German politician (d. 1864)
1852 - Cap Anson, American baseball player (d. 1922)
1869 - Gustav Vigeland, Norwegian sculptor (d. 1943)
1876 - Paul Henry, Northern Irish artist (d. 1958)
1883 - Hozumi Shigeto, Japanese author (d. 1951)
1889 - Nick LaRocca, American musician (d. 1961)
1893 - Dean Acheson, U.S. Secretary of State (d. 1971)
1900 - Sandor Marai, Hungarian writer (d. 1989)
1906 - Dale Messick, American cartoonist (d. 2005)
1908 - Leo Rosten, American humorist and author (d. 1997)
1910 - António de Spínola, Portuguese general and politician (d. 1996)
1911 - Stanislawa Walasiewicz, Polish-born runner (d. 1980)
1913 - Oleg Cassini, American fashion designer (d. 2006)
1914 - Robert Stanfield, Premier of Nova Scotia (d. 2003)
1916 - Alberto Ginastera, Argentine composer (d. 1983)
1917 - David Westheimer, American novelist (d. 2005)
1928 - Ethel Kennedy, wife of Robert F. Kennedy
1930 - Anton LaVey, American founder of the Church of Satan (d. 1997)
1931 - Johnny Sheffield, American actor
1932 - Joel Grey, American singer and actor
1935 - Richard Berry, American singer, and composer (d. 1997)
1938 - Kurt Moll, German bass
1939 - Louise Lasser, American actress
1944 - John Milius, American director and writer
1946 - Bob Harris, British disc jockey and presenter
1947 - Peter Riegert, American actor
1947 - Meshach Taylor, American actor
1949 - Bernd Eichinger, German film producer
1951 - Doris McGowen Beck Angleton, American socialite (d. 1997)
1951 - James Patrick Kelly, American author
1953 - Andrew Wiles, British mathematician
1953 - Guy Verhofstadt, Prime Minister of Belgium
1955 - Kevin Brady, American politician
1955 - Michael Callen, American singer and songwriter (d. 1993)
1958 - Stuart Adamson, British musician (Big Country) (d. 2001)
1959 - Frank C Scott, Australian photo-journalist
1960 - Jeremy Clarkson, British journalist
1961 - Doug Hopkins, American musician
1962 - Vincent Gallo, American actor
1963 - Chris Ferguson, American poker player
1966 - Mason Reese, American actor
1966 - Lisa Stansfield, English singer
1968 - Sergey Lukyanenko, Russian author
1970 - Trevor Linden, Canadian professional hockey player
1971 - Oliver Riedel, German musican (Rammstein)
1972 - Jason Varitek, American baseball player
1974 - Trot Nixon, American baseball player
1975 - Walid Soliman, Tunisian author
1979 - Malcolm Christie, English footballer
1980 - Mark Teixeira, American baseball player
1981 - Alessandra Ambrosio, Brazilian model
1982 - Ian Bell, English cricketer
1984 - Kelli Garner, American actress
1987 - Joss Stone, English singer
1991 - Dane Shubert, American filmmaker

今天放學後 (很久沒用這個詞 因為大學裡沒有所謂的放學時間 但是我指的是上完今天的最後一節課)
和培, 西豬一起走到女二
然後西豬要去買書
培要去家教
我就先跟他們道別
有一點孤單不想馬上回寢室
也不知道要買什麼當晚餐
到了竹風咖啡
店員妹妹已經認識我了
我隔著玻璃們用唇語問她 "寶貝今天有來嗎?"
她微笑的指隔壁的門
我懂了 寶貝在室內
我進去找寶貝
她一開始蠻乖的讓我摸
她好漂亮好可愛
可是後來她愛玩的調皮個性又出來了
開始發出小狗的哎哎聲
要張嘴磨牙
我很怕不小心被她咬到一直躲
結果她自己開始玩她的磨牙棒
不跟我玩了
a fleating (or fleeting?) moment of pleasure with Babe

回到寢室
要開門
當手接觸門把的那一剎那
發現跟平常不太一樣
門把的觸感跟大小都跟以往不同
門沒鎖被我打開了
但是我摸著另外一面的門把一直看
心裡想是我有問題嗎
室友發現時很訝異的說 "ㄟˊ 你發現了? 今天換鎖"
小雞很訝異的說我怎麼會發現
我說"那我可以去當警探囉"
她跟一平都沒發現都還是跟平常一樣拿鑰匙開門發現打不開才知道有換
我說一摸就知道不一樣
小雞說以後你男朋友或老公要是做什麼對不起你的事就很容易會被你發現
結果于弘回來也是立刻就發現異樣
原來我跟于弘都是對環境比較敏感的人

當我進大學不久就有男朋友時
大部分的同學都沒有男女朋友
當我大學快要畢業變成單身
大部分的的同學都有男女朋友

當大家大四下都忙著準備研究所,找工作時
大家都想翘課,沒有人想參加週會
只有我想把握最後上課的機會和畢業前最後一次週會
昨天我還是去上系上的課
大四的加我只有兩個人
但是去上課之後才發現
我的心已經無法專心聽課
我發現這好像已經不是我這個階段該做的事
可是我又沒有動力下定決心去做我應該做的事

我不是故意反其道而行
但是偏偏順序就是跟別人相反
所以覺得特別孤單

以前對生活對未來一直都很有計畫
現在是有生以來最沒有目標,計畫的一次
是畢業公演讓我沒有時間申請研究所所以不能一畢業就馬上出國嗎?
應該也不是
是我一直都沒有確定好自己的興趣和目標
這下真的沒有退路
放棄了教育學程
所以我畢業後不用去實習
連要唸商管還是藝術還是時尚都不知道
GRE, GMAT要考哪個也不知道
活了23年讀了那麼多書應該不是要證明我是個failure是個沒有前途的人吧
但是目前我找不太到其他的解

What is my dream?
Where do I go from here?
If university was a 10k cross country,
now I feel like most people have reached the end,
rewarded with trophies, medals and ribbons,
surrounded by loved ones to embrace them and congratulate them,
while I'm still struggling behind, tired, worn out, lost and finding a meaning to finish the race.
But it seems all a bit late now,
even if I reach the end,
there won't be no rewards left for me I guess.

最近好累
體力不好
今天很想哭
什麼事都沒興趣
跟老師說下半堂課我要先走 上課的步調太慢了我好累 快畢業了很多事情很煩惱無法專心
跟宿舍阿姨說 "你也不用這麼凶嘛 幹麻對一個老人家這樣講話"
世界上機車的人真多
欺善怕惡的舍監
上課遲到不參與討論又愛在hate版批評上課很投入的學生 不知道在跩什麼
我不知道他在不平衡什麼
開行銷學小組會的時候有短暫的歡笑
喜歡跟你們一起brain storm
喜歡跟你們相處
我提出的2個點子都是PR的event marketing
我適合走PR嗎?
昨天好像夢到我是PR的人
運動時面無表情
太累了
心情也不是很好
最近的想法有點消極